Who Feels Sorry for My Husband?

I've been a vegetarian for a few years (three? four? I think I've lost track). I blame my students. They kept writing these papers about food sustainability and the environmental impact of meat and they guilted me into it. For a few years, I was worried they were going to guilt me into veganism too. Luckily, now I teach in this small Nebraska town where my students think I'm some kind of insane radical, and they offer to bring me deer jerky ("Have you ever had deer meat?" they say). I feel like my love of cheese is safe. My husband is not a vegetarian, though he almost never eats meat. He talks about meat. He watches TV for the fast food commercials and gives a running commentary of what looks most appealing.

He actually gives a similar commentary when the commercials for Christian Mingle come on. "She looks like a good wife," he says. He likes the way the women's eyes  brim over with grateful tears when they look at their husbands.

You can probably imagine I don't exactly look at him like that. "She looks like an amazing wife. You should get one of those. I bet she'd cook you a steak," I say.

Interestingly enough, when I was in college, I was seeing a vegetarian for a while. One time we were at a restaurant and I was eating meat lasagna. "I am so glad I'm not touching you right now," he said in this really superior tone.

I told this story for years. Years. And everyone I told it to said something along the lines of "Jesus, what an asshole." "He was an asshole," I'd agree.

I should say that in the grand scheme of assholes I've managed to get myself involved with, he only just barely makes the list, and certainly not for this, but it is a good story. I should also note that I do see what a hypocrite I sound like right now. I totally see it, but that's not the point. The point is that if you're going to be this big of an asshole, you should be good at it, right? I mean, I still ate the lasagna.

David mostly just talks about it. And so far, he has not signed up for Christian Mingle.