Stirring

This week, we're expecting snow, but it doesn't bother me. I love this time of year when you can feel spring stirring just below the surface of the earth and the air is still fighting it. It feels like anything could happen, like everything is about to. Last night, I spent the evening at Morningside College. I was there for a reading and to watch the kids slam. And they're in that same season inside their lives when everything is dangerous and hopeful and raw. And of course I see this in my own students too. It's one of the things I love about teaching, how it forces you to look back on that time in your own life, at all the damages you've inflicted or endured and think of course. Of course. Of course. Of course. Because if we don't come out of those years with plenty of scars, we're probably doing it wrong.

And there is stirring in my writing too, which is both wonderful and awful as it always is at the start of something new. And this new project has me thinking about control and our desire for it, and how that need expresses itself differently across genders and individuals. This theme, now that I think of it, may transcend all of my work.

It struck me this morning, how this plays out in my own life, how sometimes my marriage is like this epic battle between good and evil, and how inside it, I play the role of evil (this should not surprise you), but that it is mostly about control. For David, this control looks like order, it looks like lists, and for me, it looks like chaos, like spinning out. It may look like a lack of control, but it's intentional, informed. It is mostly about resistance.  And in the end, I feel like I will probably win. I think I will probably be the death of him, at least that's the intention. I think it may be part of the vows? I'm not sure. I was a little drunk. I don't think I was listening.